04/07/2014-11/21/2024

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I am traveling in a surreal suspension from normal time, space, and reality consciousness. I often truly don’t know where I am or who I am anymore, as the comfort rug of the mundane was pulled off my feet in the most dismantling to my perceptions. I breathe, and it hurts, I open my eyes and tears fall down. I grasp at any hope from movies, podcasts, NDE stories, teachers, but there is only temporary relief. I know, I know, my queens are still with me, I know someday it will be my turn too, I know, I know… I know I need to be present, to sew my parts together for my family- my husband and my little son. But I break down, I scrape my knees often as I kneel to the ground in full surrender and feeling hopeless and helpless. This is just a glimpse, a moment in time in the wilderness of Grief.

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What could I have done to prevent any of this? Why didn’t I do something and caught it early? Did I do enough? The most precious ladies of my life are in heaven, and I can’t call my mom because Pixie transitioned. When will the pain feel less? I have to put the lid on it sometimes because I am often solo with my son. I used to have Pixie as my guardian and my cane, my third leg to lean on, a warm body to wrap my arms around and just bathe her with my tears, and now that is not here anymore too… Be with me mom, be with me Pixie, I need you NOW, and forever. No one can ever be like you, existence is weeping over you right now. 

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Pixie is my doghter, Dog is God backwards, the innocence, the purity, the quintessence of unconditional love. All I could say was I Love You, I Love You, and many times more, as her breaths got shallower and the heartbeat stopped and the breath was no longer, it was literally dead silent. Now I know what that phrase means. I have never held a non-breathing body before, let alone my most precious gifts in my life. Right now I don’t want to leave the house, the sacred abode we sanctified for her passing. We smudged in Native American Appalachian way, we prayed, we built altars, played loving frequencies music, lit beautiful lights, uplifted with crystals, cooked organic steak for her last meals, devotedly took care of her pain and needs protocol, and purified the home. I wanted her transition to be perfect- and it was- at her home, on her delicious blankets with an outpour of love that drowned her without question that she is perfect and loved.

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I don’t want to leave our home because I don’t want to move away from what last I had of hers. I feel safe here, the house feels luminous with love from all the angels and light beings that opened the portal for her soul to ascend. And right away, without losing any breaths, Pixie manifested herself in the front of our house through the solid, still, staring at my face presence of a fluffy, stoic bunny rabbit. Just that bunny rabbit alone in front of the balcony, her spirit animal, saying “I am still Alive, I am still here, I am ok, mom, and I will NEVER LEAVE YOU!” I cling to all the blankets for her smell, her vest, I don’t want to wash anything that had her last licks or furs. I can not explain to you the pain I feel unless you too have been there to understand. Even then we all grieve differently, every relationship is different. 

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I feel that Pixie was me and me her, we were one being. But in transition, you finally realize that we are two separate souls with our own missions and journeys. I miss our routines, I miss her in the house, I miss her on my arms, I miss the smell of her ears and sweet breath, every place she ate and cuddled, and my God just pray that she was not in too much pain at the end, but I knew she was, and she was brave, she was loyal, her eyes looked at me for help, telling me it was time. Result: heart broken me.

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I could not deny it anymore, I had to make that call for in home arrangements from transition to her urn, and it was like something outside of me took over my body to do that, because I wasn’t strong enough to do it. While I spoke to coordinate her transition, a tiny rabbit walked on the deck close to where I was, as if telling me that Pixie was in support, signing the dotted line for it, it was what she wanted and needed. These last few days have been crushing to my understandings, to my perceptions, to my dwindling fantasyland. I know someday the Joy will return again, but right now I am in the thick of mourning, my heart drenched in love and sorrow. Grief is wild because it never fully leaves, there will always be a part of us in pain aching for our departed loved ones. Pixie flew peacefully, in my arms, wrapped by her unconditional loving mom, by her everything, by her center, by her other, by the mirror of herself in human form. I used to say this and I say it again, I will never regret not loving you and kissing you enough because I purposefully every day would kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her and how I was hers. My soulmate in dog, my love, my friend, my best friend, my sister, my lover, my guardian, my angel, my support, my family, my heart.  I knelt and devoted myself to caretaking her to the best of me until her last breath and now beyond, in this new terrain that I don’t know yet, with no map, no compass, just walking in trust through the wild landscape of grief.  

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When my knowing returns, when my unstoppable and fireworks emotions calm, I rest in knowing this: 

-we are eternal- all life is consciousness and the loving God that God is, for God is Love and Love is God.

-when we cross, we change form into our spiritual body, but none of us, no life ever dies, because there is no such thing as death.

-and that through thought, emotion, and love, we come back together, and I can feel peace and joy again. They can hear us and see us and feel us, and will be there right away when called upon because we are their heaven on earth.

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-that I will continue to walk my life for my son and my family, and BRING THEM ALONG WITH ME, there will be no hour, let alone no day, that they will not be with us. Everywhere I go, they will be there, not just on my necklace pendants, but in my talking, heart, thoughts, and prayers.

-that when I cross, they will be there in the welcoming portal, that it will be a glorious reunion, and I will feel her paws and licks on my spirit body, never to let go EVER AGAIN, forever just got longer.

-that now I have less fear of death because I am sandwiched between the two most delicious teams of Love I could have ever experienced. I am so lucky, so lucky, to have them. On Earth my two knights, on heaven my two queens. If I go, I know heaven is real and beautiful beyond language, beyond our understanding, and that it is a peaceful, brilliant, magical place. And while I am here, I am pulling the heavens down through the little things, my acts, my words, my thoughts, my commitment to harmonious relations, through my feelings, through my reckless vow to unconditional love on Earth.

-that I am grateful for having my queens be my master spiritual teachers because that is what they truly are. That they came into my life, that I received their love, and was able to give them my whole heart in return.

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Thank you for reading this, it takes courage to read the abyss. It is not the birth story type of joy, but it is not that different from it either. My queens have rebirthed, and that is a happy event, no longer in pain, free, returned to Source, to what we truly are, Spirits. They are not bound by 3D reality, time and space, and they are in eternity. We aren’t these bodies, these vehicles. These bodies allow us to exist on this dense physical plane, but what we were before this life and will return to after is Spirit. We are spiritual beings, and that is what we love about each other when we look into the eyes of our lovers. And it is their Spirit that remains with us when our loved ones go to Heaven, their Spirit wraps us, sits by us, and holds us, so in a way, what has only changed is the disappearance of the exterior shell that holds our Spirit.

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The eyes are doors that open to the love and experience of the divine. And Dogs are the wingless, four legged Angels that we can see. I am fortunate that God gifted me unbound love through my mother and my Pixie girl, the most beautiful Giro In the Whole Wide Wiro- as I used to sing to her. All the hard memories are wiped and forgiven, we savor all the sweetness and beauty we created. My biggest teachers club, which show me that life purpose is a lot simpler than we make it to be: Enjoy every day, drench yourself to the max with its love, it is in the little things, it is in the love, and that all we have to do to make an impact is to be and breathe. 

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We are not in control, I thought I would have known and could have prevented, this came so suddenly and unexpected. It is a different form of grief with so many painful stones of doubt and guilt. I do know that with time and as the understanding settles some divine day, it will all make sense. And I know that for now I also feel waterfalls of gifts in realizations as the minutes roll by. Gifts from our Creator in their passing and why they came into our lives the way they did. Then peace like hands of a magician gently open the curtains to let the light in and I can feel their presence with me, like Pixie laying right next to my feet as I write this, and my mother behind me with her miracle-making, gorgeous hands on my shoulders. And another breath rolls in to lift my heart to the present moment of Hope and Faith that all is in divine order, that we are never left behind, that we are never alone, that we are actually moving TOWARDS them with every passing day, and that we have a standing army of angels and light beings all around us forever and always and especially in these crushing times. 

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My two queens, I love you, I love you, I love you- I want to sing this like a holy anthem from the top of my lungs over Mt Everest through eternity. You have seen the hardest of me, the darkest of me, and the miracles and best of me, you are witness to our life journey with all its flavors and textures, and not just those that we adore. Pixie baby, from waking up to going to sleep, we lived the mundane, the ordinary together, I cried on you, you saw me grow from the hardest of my judgements like a lotus rising from the mucky waters slowly and at my own pace of letting go. And not once did you rush me, did you judge me, you just loved on me. I literally stood naked in front of you with not an ounce of shame or fear. You are the quintessence of unconditional love, we could be for days at home and you did not care as long as we were together. You went where no other dog could go, you have your badges of honor in display as a Light Worker Service Doggie, my ServiDog as we used to say. You sniffed terrains that very few hearts on earth travelled to, Pixie Log Walker, from the swamps of Nayarit Mexico abandoned in a carton box with your little sisters, to the loving home of my arms, to California and all the wild journeys of heart we went through in between, you give a whole other meaning to Adventure as you arrived in the vortices of sacred Lakota Black Hills of South Dakota. And I your devoted servant, I let you run my life, I did not care, I wanted you to be my guide, my spear, my arrow pointing to right this way.

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Thank you for forgiving me for my human dense emotions and allowing me to transform them as I could in time, thank you for coming into my life, taking ME in, I am so so lucky to have been yours, thank you for every thing, I am yours forever and I bring you along with me in every second of every day in my heart where you live also. I know we will be together forever in the Rainbow Bridge and Heaven, but I do not have to wait until then to feel complete because I know that you are with me still right now. All I have to do is to think of you and say your name, and there you will be with your soft fur head with the Orion Belt spots by your nose, laying it on my lap as you used to do when you wanted to get a treat or let me know it was time for the next adventure. Your teachings from your appearance into our lives and from your transition to Heaven will be like the Dead Sea Scrolls for Sparrow and his generations to come. You are very special and unique, Pixie, you are a master teacher, and love this strong can never be broken and altered. Like the fast spinning moving wheels of a car, your frequency now in Spirit moves, so fast that we can not see it, but that doesn’t mean your Spirit is not here. I could never get enough of your love. I would have always wanted another more day. But the yearning for your relief from pain was what yanked me off my unquenchable quest of kisses with you.

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No matter what is going on in your life right now, love yourself enough to forgive yourself completely so that you can be free to love fully and be present with what is right in front of you right now uncensored, because this now will never be repeated, it is not a dress rehearsal, this now is sacred, miraculous, and unreplicatable.  So slow it down and soak it up with all your cells, open your eyes real hard and wide to really see and study every detail as if with newborn eyes, then drink it like Love Juice standing in an oasis in this desert life. The elixir that makes life beautiful, worthwhile, and memorable is Love. May our tenderness be our strength. And may we never deprive ourselves from Grieving what is honorable and has touched our lives with sweetness and wisdom. We deserve that, and so do they.

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Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Author unknown…

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